


The Crushes Saga (Vol. 1)

by slyther_ing



Series: The Fault in our Chat Logs [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: (but is it???), Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff, Humor, Improper meme usage, M/M, Multi, Swearing, Teenage Drama, They're all a mess, Unrequited Crush, every single one of them is a disaster and i love them, group chat au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-05-15 01:05:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14780724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slyther_ing/pseuds/slyther_ing
Summary: FlintenteredThe Crushes Saga (Vol. 1)Flint: 1) I have no feelings at all whatsoever in any context, so jot that down.Flint: 2) if anyone should be admitting feelings here, it’s Montague, so jotthatdown.Flint: 3) if you push this issue any further, i will make you all do laps until your asses bleed.





	The Crushes Saga (Vol. 1)

**Author's Note:**

> a chat-style fic has been long overdue for me, tbqh

**Montague** created the group chat

 **Montague** named the group chat _The Crushes Saga (Vol. 1)_

 **Flint:** wtf

 **Warrington:** why do you always name things after those stupid comics you like reading

 **Warrington:** no one thinks they’re cool

 **Warrington:** you’re lowering our street cred

 **Bletchley:** neither of you have any street cred to start with

 **Flint:** smh

 **Montague:** look this is IMPORTANT

 **Montague:**  we are here to discuss the plague that has befallen our team, the distraction keeping us from glorious victory

 **Higgs:** oh my god someone stop him

 **Bletchley** : please tell me ‘glorious victory’ is like - quidditch related

 **Montague:**  of COURSE it is you idiot, what else would it be?

 **Warrington:** idk those roleplayer games you like seem to use a lot of ~befallen~ and ~plagues~ and ~glorious victories~

 **Montague:** shut your mouth Cassie

 **Montague:** anyways

 **Montague** : i’m talking about the crushes, fam

 **Montague** : all your crushes

 **Montague** : every single teeny one of them

 **Flint** has left _The Crushes Saga (Vol. 1)_

 **Montague** : fuck he’s the worst one. @Higgs, add him back, would you?

 **Higgs:** I mean, if you want a black eye that badly, sure

 **Higgs** added **Flint**  to _The Crushes Saga (Vol. 1)_

 **Flint:** im putting itching powder in all your pants. All of them. Every single fucking one.

 **Bletchley:** oooooh punctuation

 **Bletchley:** anyways, idk why i’m here

 **Warrington:** does your drunken rambling about Alicia Spinnet’s smile bring to mind anything??

 **Higgs:** yeah if we had to sit through that, you deserve to be in this hell chat

 **Flint:** yeet

 **Higgs** : that’s not how you use yeet

 **Flint:** fuck u

 **Flint:** wait i thought Spinnet’s a lesbian

 **Montague:** she is

 **Montague:** wait how did you know that

 **Flint:** ….

 **Flint:** how did _you_ know that?

 **Montague:** she’s my potions partner for the year, duh

 **Warrington:** @Flint …… hmmm …...interesting

 **Bletchley:** THATS NOT A CRUSH FUCK U

 **Bletchley:** and if she’s a lesbian I mean whateverrrrrr

 **Bletchley:** got a lot of other ladies lined up, yknow what i mean ;) ;)

 **Higgs:** can i puke on your shoes, yknow what i mean ;) ;)

 **Montague:** ANYWAYS

 **Montague:** I think we should tackle this from bottom up, yknow, like easiest case to worst

 **Montague:** wouldn’t you agree, Warrington?

 **Warrington:** why do we only ever call each other by our last names in this goddamn house

 **Bletchley** : I thought that was your rule

 **Flint:** Cassie

 **Warrington:** im proud of my goddamn name meet me in the wal-mart parking lot

 **Higgs:** you don’t even know what a wal-mart is, stop ripping off muggle memes

 **Higgs:** this goes for you too @Flint

 **Warrington:** wait but sidenote, idk why i’m here

 **Montague** : oh yea, you’re only here bc i need backup :)

 **Flint:** lmao sureee

 

 **Montague** started a private chat

 **Montague** : DONT U DARE

 **Flint:** hey if ur calling me out on crushes, i dont see why i cant do it to u

 **Montague** : ill tell him when im ready

 **Flint:** uh-huh

 

 **Montague** entered _The Crushes Saga (Vol. 1)_

 **Montague:** anyways, FELLAS

 **Montague:** we’re getting off track - MILES, since Spinnet’s definitely not interested, u should go chase skirt elsewhere but preferably NOT a gryffindor so that we don’t lose any of our game tactics out of your blabbermouth, i’ve already had to do a lot of damage control on some of Marcus’ latest plays (top notch ones may i add!! That new chaser formation is going to knock our competition down hell yeah) but yeah, Bletchley, you’re jeopardizing our whole team here

 **Higgs:** oh god, stop kissing ass Montague

 **Flint:** no, please continue

 **Bletchley:** @Warrington thats a lot of words, gimme a tl;dr

 **Warrington:** you can be a manwhore, just not with the gryffs

 **Bletchley:** suddenly I can’t read

 **Montague** : moving on

 **Montague:** Higgs - this isn’t you per se, but

 **Higgs:** Sigh it’s about Pucey, isn’t it

 **Montague:** poor kid keeps mooning over you and won’t focus during practice

 **Montague:** we miss you on the team fam, but you’re a distraction

 **Higgs:** its not my fault my ass won’t quit

 **Flint:** ohhhh mmyyyyy gooooodddd

 **Warrington:** ohhhh myyyyyyyy goooooooodddd

 **Bletchley:** ohhhh myyyy gooooood

 **Higgs:** y’all know its the truth

 **Higgs** : im still coming to practice fuck u

 **Higgs** : especially u Marcus

 **Flint:** lol srry ://

 **Montague:** ok but you gotta handle things with Pucey man, every time you say hi he turns into mush

 **Higgs:** fine fine

 **Higgs:** if he gets all puppy-dog-eyes tomorrow, this is on all of you

 

 **Higgs** started a private chat

 **Higgs:** hey Ade

 **Pucey** : hi!!

 **Pucey:** hey thanks for the potions help yesterday, i think i’m starting to understand it

 **Higgs:** yeah? That’s good that’s good!

 **Higgs** : er alright, im going to have to clear the air

 **Higgs:** i know you have a crush on me

 **Pucey** : oh..

 **Pucey:** um im sorry ..?

 **Higgs** : nah its chill, ik i’m pretty

 **Higgs:** but you’re a little too young for me, u feel - like there’s four years between us and that’s not okay

 **Pucey:**...yeah, i know

 **Higgs** : i’m cool with being bros bc you’re a sweet kid, but you gotta focus during practice ok?

 **Higgs** : the teams counting on you

 **Pucey** : they are?

 **Higgs** : yea ur a good chaser

 **Higgs:** Flint has a soft spot for u, yknow

 **Pucey** : oh sick

 **Higgs:** really sorry to do this but it’ll probably be better in the long run if you get over this crush

 **Pucey** : yea you’re right...i guess i can start working on that. thanks for talking to me

 **Pucey:** and thanks for being chill and cool about this

 **Higgs:** obviously, i’m super chill all the time

 **Pucey:** LMAO sureee

 

 **Higgs** entered _The Crushes Saga (Vol. 1)_

 **Higgs:** it’s handled @Montague

 **Flint:** everyone better fucking go easy on him tomorrow, u hear me

 **Flint:** no jokes, no comments, no teasing

 **Bletchley:** ok Mom

 **Montague** : fine Mom

 **Warrington:** sure Mom

 **Flint:** Salazar fucking Slytherin I hate all of you

 **Montague:** well now its your turn :D the grand finale :D the worst of the worst :D of FUCKING PINING ASS CRUSHES

 **Flint:** what about me

 **Warrington:** ahem

 **Higgs** : _ahem_

 **Bletchley:** yeah if you all were riding my ass about spilling game secrets, isn’t Flint worse??

 **Flint** : excuse me? My lips are fucking sealed

 **Flint:** quidditch is not a fucking joke

 **Flint:** do i have to give the lecture again????

 **Higgs:** sure, i could use a nap

 **Montague:** look, Flint, good ol captain, we respect you loads

 **Bletchley:** ha, speak for yourself

 **Montague:** but you’re not fooling anyone when you talk about the gryffs, like - we all know why you’re obsessed with beating them and it’s not pretty. Let’s take a moment to admit it, shall we?

 **Flint:** admit what

 **Montague:** you’re fully aware of what we’re talking about

 **Warrington** : oh my god, your giant ass crush on Oliver Wood, admit that, _please_ for the love of all that is holy

 **Flint:** that’s completely absurd.

 **Flint:** i feel nothing for Wood except for intense, burning rage.

 **Higgs:** and yet somehow that translates over into a boner

 **Higgs:** yknow i used to think it was just a quidditch boner but no

 **Higgs:** its an emotional boner

 **Bletchley** : a heart boner, if u will

 **Flint:** disgusting, all of you

 **Warrington:** okay rationally speaking, it’ll probably be healthier for you to just admit it and get it out in the open, like...all that pent up rage probably isn’t good for you

 **Warrington** : and it’ll help your game

 **Higgs:** a little birdy told me Wood might be interested

 **Higgs:**  well, they told me Wood is about as straight as a wet noodle so

 **Bletchley:** Flint, we caught u getting all googly-eyed at him on Valentines, srsly, it’s veering on pathetic

 **Warrington:** could u at least admit to us and stop being so moody when he doesn’t look at u when we switch off the pitch with the gryffs. Please. We’re begging you

 **Montague:** it’s jeopardizing!! Our potential at the cup!!! FLINT I THOUGHT YOU LOVED WINNING

 **Bletchley:** ADMIT IT! ADMIT IT!! ADMIT!! IT!!

 

 **Flint** started a private chat

 **Flint:** the boys got me cornered what do i say

 **Wood:** ??

 **Flint:** montague made this stupid ass group chat about all our crushes

 **Flint:** as if I would have something as silly as a crush

 **Wood:** ur pining ass had a crush on me for a whole year

 **Wood:** it was very amusing, i have to say

 **Flint:** that’s rude and besides the point

 **Flint:** also i have never felt anything remotely embarrassing like that for you

 **Wood** : ok honey

 **Flint:** anyways. they’re trying to get me to “admit it” and “handle my emotions healthily” and it’s absurd

 **Flint:** so what do i say

 **Flint:**...babe?

 **Wood:** im flying cant text now xoxo

 **Flint** : bITCH

 **Wood:** :*

 

Flint entered _The Crushes Saga (Vol. 1)_

 **Flint:** 1) I have no feelings at all whatsoever in any context, so jot that down.

 **Flint:** 2) if anyone should be admitting feelings here, it’s Montague, so jot _that_ down.

 **Flint:** 3) if you push this issue any further, i will make you all do laps until your asses bleed.

 **Flint:** is. That. clear.

 **Higgs** : he has the scary caterpillar eyebrows fam, it might be smart to save this for another day

 **Warrington:** wait

 **Flint** : .

 **Higgs:** or not at all!! Hahaha lovely weather in the dungeons we’re having, aren’t we??

 **Warrington:** waiiiiit

 **Montague:** lets not wait

 **Warrington:** can we backtrack to point numero dos?

 **Warrington** : @Montague how come I don’t know about this?

 **Bletchley:** lmao duh ofc he’s not gnna tell _you_ he likes _you_

 **Higgs** : ….

 **Flint:** yikes lmao

 **Bletchley:** o shit oops sorry monty

 **Warrington:** wait what?

 **Montague** has left _The Crushes Saga (Vol. 1)_

 **Warrington** added **Montague** to _The Crushes Saga (Vol. 1)_

 **Warrington:** explain.

 **Montague:** Farewell, fair Verona, i am taking my leave forever and hiding and becoming a hermit for the rest of my goddamn sad tragic fucking life. Fuck you, @Flint, and fuck you especially, @Bletchley, and please, no one be bothered by the lack of sound coming from my bed from here on out, oh also please tell Urquhart that he can take my spot on the team!!

 **Montague** has left _The Crushes Saga (Vol. 1)_

 **Higgs:** Cassius...

 **Warrington:** dw, i’ll go take care of his silly dramatic ass

 

 **Flint** started a private chat

 **Flint:** crisis averted, no thanks to you, asshole

 **Wood** : i heard u threw Montague under the bus

 **Flint:** and it was glorious

 

 **Warrington** started a private chat

 **Warrington:** excuse me, i did not know you liked me?

 **Warrington** : we are best friends? How could you not tell me?

 **Montague:** what part of ‘I am going into hiding to become a hermit’ do you not understand?

 **Warrington:** open your goddamn bed curtains, u silly thing

 

 **Montague** started a private chat

 **Montague** : i love you :)

 **Flint:** i _told_ u to just tell him

 

 **Montague** created the group chat

 **Montague** named the group chat _The Crushes Saga (Vol. 2)_

 **Pucey:** wtf

 **Malfoy:** um

 **Montague:** hello young ones, how would you like to discuss your flaming crushes on Higgs and Potter, respectively?

 **Malfoy** has left _The Crushes Saga (Vol. 2)_

 **Pucey** has left _The Crushes Saga (Vol. 2)_

 **Montague:** you’ll come round!!

**Author's Note:**

> for how i see this panning out:
> 
> a) montague x warrington forever for a crack!ship, thank u v much  
> b) its flintwood. ofc i'd throw flintwood in here why is this even a question  
> c) is it ~truly~ over for hucey? only time will tell in the future yeet  
> d) bletchley is a lost cause and alicia is v gay and they will wind up being good friends in their adult lives when the inevitable flintwood wedding brings two quidditch teams colliding into one another
> 
> thank you for reading!! hope you enjoyed the mess of their love lives


End file.
